What else could one want?

I'm not always as thankful as I should be for the blessings in my life.  There are days when stress gets in the way...bills, work, housework, etc...these all have a way of sucking our attention away from what really matters.  They are small annoyances, but can blur out all the really great blessings.  So, it's a good thing that we have set aside one day of the year to wipe all that aside and focus on the things that really matter.

Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday.  Yes, I absolutely love Halloween and Christmas, but mostly because they are just so much fun!  My love and appreciation for Thanksgiving is different.  Somehow, Thanksgiving has managed to avoid all the commercial trappings that have attached themselves to the other holidays (aside from Black Friday, which is more about Christmas...at least that's what I tell myself).  There are no decorations, costumes, or gifts to worry with.  Instead, it's just a simple day set aside for all of us to give thanks.  I like and appreciate the simplicity and sweetness of  that.

In that spirit, I have compiled a list of all the things I'm thankful for this year.  Honestly, almost every single one has to do with family.  And, I think that is exactly how it should be.

-  Ten sweet fingers and ten cute toes.

-  A husband whose mere presence in the room makes me feel happier and more at peace.

-  Good health...for both myself and my loved ones.

-  Big beautiful blue eyes that focus more and more everyday.  They lock onto mine and I feel like there is nothing else on this earth that I could ever want other than this whole motherhood thing.

- "Granny B" and watching my wonderful mother transform instantly into my daughter's incredible grandmother.

-  Plenty of food to eat and shelter over our heads.  It is not lost on me that not all of us are so lucky.

-  Giving my husband love and respect, and getting it right back ten fold.

-  Tons and tons of baby kisses and snuggles.  It's a wonderful thing that she's still too small to escape!    

-  Aunt Lala and Uncle Bean and the fact that they are just a phone call and plane ride away.

-  Baby coos.  Well, with my child they are more like loud squaks.  What can I say?  She got her momma's mouth.

-  All our family and friends that have been so wonderful and supportive this year.  Grandparents, big brothers, adoptive aunts and uncles...Lana is a very lucky and loved little girl. 

-  Being called mommy.

-  Finally feeling complete and absolutely fulfilled.

As I read through all these blessings, all I can think is "What else could I possibly want out of life?"  

Tom, Bradley, Lana, Karma, Ally, Scarlett, and I sincerely hope all of our friends and family have been equally blessed this year.  We love you all!!!  

1 Month Checkup

Guess who weighs in at 10 lbs., 1 ounce, and a whopping 25 inches? 

Me, that's who!

We had our one month checkup today and she is "perfect" according to the pediatrician. 

In other firsts, Miss Lana spent her very first night in her own room last night.  She did amazingly well, sleeping from 11:00 p.m. until 5:30 a.m. this morning.  We are well on our way to sleeping a whole 8 hours.  Hopefully, we will continue to make progress!!!

This is Tom's last week of paternity leave and it's back to the grind a week from today.  I got a little taste this weekend when he worked Light up Shelbyville.  We missed him something awful and Mommy was exhausted! I must say, I am dreading getting back to the real world.  These few weeks we have spent as a family at home have been the absolute happiest of my life.  It will be sad for both of us to go back to work and miss so much quality time with her!  But as evidenced from her checkup today, Lana likes to eat so back to work we must go!!!

4 weeks old!

 Lana's first Halloween!

• You are (for the most part) a really happy baby.  As my good friend and your Aunt Lori says, you already have a personality!  You grin and giggle, even when you are awake.  
• Your facial expressions are so exaggerated and endearing.  You raise  and furrow your eyebrows, pucker your lips, and stretch your neck constantly.  These dramatic expressions remind me of my Mamaw, and I love that  :)
• You are becoming more and more alert.  Two weeks ago, you would stare at mommy, but your gaze didn't follow movement.  Now, you are beginning to follow me with your eyes.  
• You touch your face and use your hands alot.  You smash your cheeks and block the bottle when you are full.  Yesterday, you even put your binky back in your mouth all by yourself.  (I think this was more of a fluke, but it happened and I have a witness!)
• To my delight, you haven't seemed to lose any of your beautiful hair.  
• Your fussy time is in the evening, from about 7 - 10 p.m.  You just seem to want to fight sleep during this time...but you aren't too bad  :)
• You get more and more beautiful everyday.  You have your daddy's big beautiful blue eyes.  It remains to be seen whether you also inherited his killer dimples.  I have my fingers crossed!!
• You continue to amaze me everyday, and have already made my life ten times better than before you were here.  I am so excited to watch you grow...just not too fast, ok?  Love you so much Lana bear  :)

As a side note, this weekend, I packed up Lana's newborn onesies.  She had already outgrown them!  I cried, just a little, lol.  Luckily, I was able to pass them on to my dear cousin Elizabeth who is expecting her first little girl in January.  Knowing they were staying in the family made me feel a little bit better.

Feeling like a Boob...

Going into this birthing thing, my biggest fear (other than hemorrhoids, lol) was breastfeeding.

I really wanted to breastfeed.  Not only because of the immense nutritional benefits to Lana, but for the bonding experience.   

The closer we came to delivery, the more fixated I became on it.  I stressed and worried about whether it would happen.  I prepared for success gathering supplies such as nursing gowns, my breast friend, and a breast pump.  But the supplies couldn't guarantee anything, and there was no way to know until the time came. 

I knew it would be an uphill battle.  First of all, I had breast reduction surgery about 11 years ago.  At the time, breastfeeding was not really on my radar, I just wanted my damn back to stop hurting.  It's about a 50/50 chance of successfully breastfeeding after such a surgery.  Then, there is my PCOS and gestational diabetes.  Both are known to be associated with insufficient milk supply.  Under the totality of circumstances (my nerdy-attorney bone shows sometimes), it wasn't looking good.

As such, I really tried to prepare myself for the likelihood that it might not happen.  I kept telling myself that it wasn't the end of the world.  That as long as Lana was healthy and happy, that is all that mattered.  This is true.  But just because its true, doesn't mean my heart listened.

So, within an hour of Lana's birth I began my quest to make it happen.  To my delight, Lana had absolutely no problems latching.  She had quite obviously been suckling on her fingers and thumbs in the womb, and was raring to go.  It just remained to be seen whether I would be able to do my part.

I started pumping immediately to try and stimulate production, and was a disheartened when nothing was coming out.  I pumped a few times overnight and also attempted to breastfeed her.  It was doubly frustrating because I had no idea if this was helping me produce, or if Lana was getting anything out of it. I just had to have faith.

The lactation consultant came by early the next morning after Lana's birth.   I must say, the experience of childbirth destroys any lingering notions of modesty, which is helpful when trying to breastfeed.  Most of your time is spent with your boob hanging out for all to see while a stranger pinches and pulls on your nipples.

The consultant was doing just that when all at once something started coming out.  It was colostrum...and I immediately began crying.  It was such an unexpected sight and I was so excited.  I thought, "This is really going to happen!"  I thought I had conquered it.  I was wrong.

I continued working with the lactation consultant, but both of us became concerned when Lana quit latching.  And when I say she quit latching, I mean she quit even trying.  It was clear she was getting  frustrated with doing all the work for nothing.  So, we made the joint decision late day 2 to give her a bit of formula.  I was still pumping every 2 hours and getting nothing but condensation, so we were pretty certain she was not getting anything either.  The plan was for me to keep pumping, but to feed Lana with formula until we could get something going.

I tried to remain optimistic and not let it bother me.  And, for the most part, I did.  I was able to handle feeding her from a bottle even though I wanted to be breastfeeding so badly.  I was able to handle the pumping, pumping, pumping with seemingly no payoff.  But there was one thing that I couldn't handle.  This is the thing that instantly brought tears to my eyes and many times left me sobbing.  This is the thing that to this day makes me tear up... 

When Lana is hungry and starts rooting around on my chest, I swear, the disappointment and sadness sinks straight to my bones.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like a bad mom.  There is something so devastating about not being able to give your child what he/she wants or needs.  It is enough to kill any feelings of joy or happiness in the moment.  I hate it.

After leaving the hospital, I went back to see the lactation consultant on an outpatient basis.  I continued pumping for a week and a half after her birth.  On a Tuesday I had milk.  Not alot of milk, an ounce from both breasts after pumping for an hour, but it was milk!  But by Wednesday morning, it was gone.  I knew it was gone.  My breasts had let down, the soreness had disappeared overnight, and even the condensation had disappeared during pumping.  Deep down I knew it was over.  But, I kept pumping just in case.

After a few more days, it became evident that I was right.  It was gone.  It was over.

So, I finally gave up.  It was heart-wrenching and the thought of it makes me cry as I write this.  Admittedly, I think much of my fixation with breastfeeding was selfish.  I think my failure at breastfeeding brought back all the insecurities I felt while trying to conceive.  The feeling of being less than and not enough.  The inferiority.  The self-blame and hate.  It crept back in and took residence within me as if it had never left.  Maybe it never really did.

I have had a couple weeks to come to terms now.  Lana is healthy and growing like a weed, and she certainly doesn't seem to mind.  And at the end of the day, this is all that really matters.



But, I still tear up when she roots on my chest.  I don't know if that will ever go away.  I'm just thankful I can quickly whip up a bottle and hold her close while I do the next best thing  <3