Two Months!

I can't believe it's been two months since the most beautiful little lady in the world turned our world upside down!!!  She continues to amaze and entertain us everyday.  There is no doubt she got her momma's lungs and her daddy's sense of humor.  So honored to watch this little lady grow...

To my little lady Lana, here is what you have been up to this month:

-You love the butterflies Aunt Lala and Uncle Bean sent you for your nursery.  I have them hanging on a white canvas above your changing station.  When all else fails, we can lay you on your changing table and you usually quit crying.  Your daddy calls it going to the races.  Butterfly races  :)

-You are a morning person, quite unlike your mommy.  But your smiles and giggles in the morning are tempting me to change that.

-You have your daddy's dimples!!  With your giggles developing, it is becoming clear that you inherited one of mommy's favorite things about your daddy.  They are so cute!!  Mommy and daddy devote alot of time to trying to get them to show these days!! (You can't really see them in the pic below, but it is so precious I just had to post it)

-You will never ever get diaper rash because you WILL NOT TOLERATE a damp diaper.  Not even for a second.  

-You are opinionated and a bit impatient.  You are very attached to your eating times.

-You hate to burp.  I'm not sure if it is because it interrupts feeding time or because of the beating on your back, but you get ticked off every time.

-Your hair is getting lighter and lighter.  Mommy is terrified it may go blond like your daddy's (once was).  Not because you won't look beautiful, but because mommy has sworn that if you go blond she will go blond.  This could be interesting.

-You look so much like your mother's beloved grandmother that sometimes it is startling.   However, this is never more true than when your hair goes crazy.  Mamaw also had the kind of hair that stuck straight up.  It's comical really.

-You are sitting up on my knee or in your bumbo seat now.  In fact, sitting up is all you want to do.  You love to turn your head and look around.  You are very inquisitive.  

-Your sisters love you!  Ally purposefully leashes in her huge kisses and licks your head with a little, sweet, baby licks.  Karma likes to kiss your little baby feet.  

 

-Your eyes are such a beautiful shade of blue and so big and bright!   

What else could one want?

I'm not always as thankful as I should be for the blessings in my life.  There are days when stress gets in the way...bills, work, housework, etc...these all have a way of sucking our attention away from what really matters.  They are small annoyances, but can blur out all the really great blessings.  So, it's a good thing that we have set aside one day of the year to wipe all that aside and focus on the things that really matter.

Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday.  Yes, I absolutely love Halloween and Christmas, but mostly because they are just so much fun!  My love and appreciation for Thanksgiving is different.  Somehow, Thanksgiving has managed to avoid all the commercial trappings that have attached themselves to the other holidays (aside from Black Friday, which is more about Christmas...at least that's what I tell myself).  There are no decorations, costumes, or gifts to worry with.  Instead, it's just a simple day set aside for all of us to give thanks.  I like and appreciate the simplicity and sweetness of  that.

In that spirit, I have compiled a list of all the things I'm thankful for this year.  Honestly, almost every single one has to do with family.  And, I think that is exactly how it should be.

-  Ten sweet fingers and ten cute toes.

-  A husband whose mere presence in the room makes me feel happier and more at peace.

-  Good health...for both myself and my loved ones.

-  Big beautiful blue eyes that focus more and more everyday.  They lock onto mine and I feel like there is nothing else on this earth that I could ever want other than this whole motherhood thing.

- "Granny B" and watching my wonderful mother transform instantly into my daughter's incredible grandmother.

-  Plenty of food to eat and shelter over our heads.  It is not lost on me that not all of us are so lucky.

-  Giving my husband love and respect, and getting it right back ten fold.

-  Tons and tons of baby kisses and snuggles.  It's a wonderful thing that she's still too small to escape!    

-  Aunt Lala and Uncle Bean and the fact that they are just a phone call and plane ride away.

-  Baby coos.  Well, with my child they are more like loud squaks.  What can I say?  She got her momma's mouth.

-  All our family and friends that have been so wonderful and supportive this year.  Grandparents, big brothers, adoptive aunts and uncles...Lana is a very lucky and loved little girl. 

-  Being called mommy.

-  Finally feeling complete and absolutely fulfilled.

As I read through all these blessings, all I can think is "What else could I possibly want out of life?"  

Tom, Bradley, Lana, Karma, Ally, Scarlett, and I sincerely hope all of our friends and family have been equally blessed this year.  We love you all!!!  

1 Month Checkup

Guess who weighs in at 10 lbs., 1 ounce, and a whopping 25 inches? 

Me, that's who!

We had our one month checkup today and she is "perfect" according to the pediatrician. 

In other firsts, Miss Lana spent her very first night in her own room last night.  She did amazingly well, sleeping from 11:00 p.m. until 5:30 a.m. this morning.  We are well on our way to sleeping a whole 8 hours.  Hopefully, we will continue to make progress!!!

This is Tom's last week of paternity leave and it's back to the grind a week from today.  I got a little taste this weekend when he worked Light up Shelbyville.  We missed him something awful and Mommy was exhausted! I must say, I am dreading getting back to the real world.  These few weeks we have spent as a family at home have been the absolute happiest of my life.  It will be sad for both of us to go back to work and miss so much quality time with her!  But as evidenced from her checkup today, Lana likes to eat so back to work we must go!!!

4 weeks old!

 Lana's first Halloween!

• You are (for the most part) a really happy baby.  As my good friend and your Aunt Lori says, you already have a personality!  You grin and giggle, even when you are awake.  
• Your facial expressions are so exaggerated and endearing.  You raise  and furrow your eyebrows, pucker your lips, and stretch your neck constantly.  These dramatic expressions remind me of my Mamaw, and I love that  :)
• You are becoming more and more alert.  Two weeks ago, you would stare at mommy, but your gaze didn't follow movement.  Now, you are beginning to follow me with your eyes.  
• You touch your face and use your hands alot.  You smash your cheeks and block the bottle when you are full.  Yesterday, you even put your binky back in your mouth all by yourself.  (I think this was more of a fluke, but it happened and I have a witness!)
• To my delight, you haven't seemed to lose any of your beautiful hair.  
• Your fussy time is in the evening, from about 7 - 10 p.m.  You just seem to want to fight sleep during this time...but you aren't too bad  :)
• You get more and more beautiful everyday.  You have your daddy's big beautiful blue eyes.  It remains to be seen whether you also inherited his killer dimples.  I have my fingers crossed!!
• You continue to amaze me everyday, and have already made my life ten times better than before you were here.  I am so excited to watch you grow...just not too fast, ok?  Love you so much Lana bear  :)

As a side note, this weekend, I packed up Lana's newborn onesies.  She had already outgrown them!  I cried, just a little, lol.  Luckily, I was able to pass them on to my dear cousin Elizabeth who is expecting her first little girl in January.  Knowing they were staying in the family made me feel a little bit better.

Feeling like a Boob...

Going into this birthing thing, my biggest fear (other than hemorrhoids, lol) was breastfeeding.

I really wanted to breastfeed.  Not only because of the immense nutritional benefits to Lana, but for the bonding experience.   

The closer we came to delivery, the more fixated I became on it.  I stressed and worried about whether it would happen.  I prepared for success gathering supplies such as nursing gowns, my breast friend, and a breast pump.  But the supplies couldn't guarantee anything, and there was no way to know until the time came. 

I knew it would be an uphill battle.  First of all, I had breast reduction surgery about 11 years ago.  At the time, breastfeeding was not really on my radar, I just wanted my damn back to stop hurting.  It's about a 50/50 chance of successfully breastfeeding after such a surgery.  Then, there is my PCOS and gestational diabetes.  Both are known to be associated with insufficient milk supply.  Under the totality of circumstances (my nerdy-attorney bone shows sometimes), it wasn't looking good.

As such, I really tried to prepare myself for the likelihood that it might not happen.  I kept telling myself that it wasn't the end of the world.  That as long as Lana was healthy and happy, that is all that mattered.  This is true.  But just because its true, doesn't mean my heart listened.

So, within an hour of Lana's birth I began my quest to make it happen.  To my delight, Lana had absolutely no problems latching.  She had quite obviously been suckling on her fingers and thumbs in the womb, and was raring to go.  It just remained to be seen whether I would be able to do my part.

I started pumping immediately to try and stimulate production, and was a disheartened when nothing was coming out.  I pumped a few times overnight and also attempted to breastfeed her.  It was doubly frustrating because I had no idea if this was helping me produce, or if Lana was getting anything out of it. I just had to have faith.

The lactation consultant came by early the next morning after Lana's birth.   I must say, the experience of childbirth destroys any lingering notions of modesty, which is helpful when trying to breastfeed.  Most of your time is spent with your boob hanging out for all to see while a stranger pinches and pulls on your nipples.

The consultant was doing just that when all at once something started coming out.  It was colostrum...and I immediately began crying.  It was such an unexpected sight and I was so excited.  I thought, "This is really going to happen!"  I thought I had conquered it.  I was wrong.

I continued working with the lactation consultant, but both of us became concerned when Lana quit latching.  And when I say she quit latching, I mean she quit even trying.  It was clear she was getting  frustrated with doing all the work for nothing.  So, we made the joint decision late day 2 to give her a bit of formula.  I was still pumping every 2 hours and getting nothing but condensation, so we were pretty certain she was not getting anything either.  The plan was for me to keep pumping, but to feed Lana with formula until we could get something going.

I tried to remain optimistic and not let it bother me.  And, for the most part, I did.  I was able to handle feeding her from a bottle even though I wanted to be breastfeeding so badly.  I was able to handle the pumping, pumping, pumping with seemingly no payoff.  But there was one thing that I couldn't handle.  This is the thing that instantly brought tears to my eyes and many times left me sobbing.  This is the thing that to this day makes me tear up... 

When Lana is hungry and starts rooting around on my chest, I swear, the disappointment and sadness sinks straight to my bones.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like a bad mom.  There is something so devastating about not being able to give your child what he/she wants or needs.  It is enough to kill any feelings of joy or happiness in the moment.  I hate it.

After leaving the hospital, I went back to see the lactation consultant on an outpatient basis.  I continued pumping for a week and a half after her birth.  On a Tuesday I had milk.  Not alot of milk, an ounce from both breasts after pumping for an hour, but it was milk!  But by Wednesday morning, it was gone.  I knew it was gone.  My breasts had let down, the soreness had disappeared overnight, and even the condensation had disappeared during pumping.  Deep down I knew it was over.  But, I kept pumping just in case.

After a few more days, it became evident that I was right.  It was gone.  It was over.

So, I finally gave up.  It was heart-wrenching and the thought of it makes me cry as I write this.  Admittedly, I think much of my fixation with breastfeeding was selfish.  I think my failure at breastfeeding brought back all the insecurities I felt while trying to conceive.  The feeling of being less than and not enough.  The inferiority.  The self-blame and hate.  It crept back in and took residence within me as if it had never left.  Maybe it never really did.

I have had a couple weeks to come to terms now.  Lana is healthy and growing like a weed, and she certainly doesn't seem to mind.  And at the end of the day, this is all that really matters.



But, I still tear up when she roots on my chest.  I don't know if that will ever go away.  I'm just thankful I can quickly whip up a bottle and hold her close while I do the next best thing  <3

October 12, 2011

I think it's a good idea to start at the beginning.  For purposes of this blog, the "beginning" was at 5:30 a.m. on October 12, 2011.

5:31 a.m. I placed a call to the Labor and Delivery Department at Baptist Hospital East.  My OB had scheduled me for an induction that morning and I was instructed to call and make sure we were still on.  The friendly voice on the other end said "Yep!  Go ahead and make your way down here!"

I was aware that once this induction began, I would not be eating or drinking anything sans ice chips for quite some time.  So on our way to the hospital, I suggested we stop off at Denny's on Dutchman's Lane for my 'last meal' of sorts.  Tom decided this was a pretty good idea and happily obliged.  Justifying it with my need for 'fuel', I quickly decided I could ease up on the gestational diabetes diet I had faithfully followed for months.  French toast grand slam baby.  Yum.

As I waddled into the bathroom the waitress asked Tom when I was due.  He said "Today.  We are on our way to the hospital right now."  The waitress laughed and said we were the first couple she has seen stop on our way to have the baby.  Most others stop for a Denny's fix after discharge.  But of course, I always have liked to be different.

We got to the hospital and checked in at the front desk.  Here we are posing for our final couple pic prior to Lana's birth:

 
My mom had gotten me a cute birthing gown that she found on the Internet.  However, it was sleeveless and a halter top, and I was too cold to put it on.  So, I begrudgingly changed into the ugly hospital gown.  Would it kill these people to jazz it up a bit?

The nurse came in and began collecting information.  She laughed when I told her about the French Toast Grand Slam.  Apparently, it is generally advised that one not eat after midnight prior to an induction.  Oh well.  One of two things could happen as a result of my early morning indulgence.  And neither will kill me.  So, get over it.   :)

For much of the morning it was just Tom and me in the room.  I did a bit of napping early on in an effort to conserve my strength.  The first few hours were pretty uneventful and calm.  It was actually really nice.

However, around 10 or 11 a.m. the contractions started getting stronger.  Mine were focused primarily in my lower back.  When they came  on it felt like someone had a screw driver and cranking it in my back.  I couldn't stay still and there was no way to get comfortable in between them.  The nurse asked if I wanted to go ahead and get the epidural...I said no, not yet.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no glutton for punishment.  I never even considered the possibility of giving birth without it.  I admire those women who do so, but it's just not for me.    I just wanted to wait until I felt I had made pretty good progress.  They say getting it too early can slow labor down.

We were waiting for my mom and sister to get to the hospital so Tom could go and grab some lunch with his dad.  We were waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  So, I told Tom to call them.  They were leaving...but wait for it...planning to stop off for a mani/pedi on the way down!!!!  I swear!  Only the women in my family would think to do such a thing!!!!  LOL  (Truth be told I was just super jealous that I couldn't join them).  But by this time, my contractions were getting pretty bad and I told them they better come on down.  After all, my last manicure had worn off, so it was only fair that everyone else's nails in the room remained a hot mess.

My mom and my sister got to the hospital and Tom ran to grab some lunch.  In that 45 minutes, my contractions got SO strong SO fast that he almost didn't make it back for the epidural  Let's just say that he better thank his lucky stars he did.  I would have never let him forget it had he not!!!


About the epidural...it is the most awesome invention ever in the world.  That being said, I'm glad it was so awesome because the process of getting the damn thing was the most painful thing I've ever been through in my entire life.  Unfortunately, I have extremely small spaces between my spine.  The anesthesiologist could not find the opening and actually had to attempt several times, starting completely over at one point.  Grand total it took about 20 minutes of trying.  He kept hitting bone which sent throbbing horrible pain down my entire body.  Add to this the fact that I was having pretty strong contractions by this time.  It sucked.  Seriously.  It sucked bad.  I screamed a couple of times and was just waiting for someone to ask me to be quiet so as not to scare the other ladies on the floor.  Thank God they didn't dare.  Because someone would have lost a good chunk of their hair I can promise you that.

For those of you considering an epidural, let me end the discussion with this.  It was awful but I'd do it again in a nano-second.  The horrible pains I felt for the 20 minutes of getting an epidural couldn't hold a candle to the thought of hours upon hours of even stronger contractions.  Not to mention the actual labor...I don't think so.  I experienced enough of the contractions to know that I really didn't care to experience any more.  LOL

Anywho, I felt much better after the epidural...

(And what about my sister showing up looking like she's about to walk the runway??  I should have banned her from wearing makeup.)

I had some visitors come by that afternoon and tried to rest in between.  Most of the late afternoon/early evening was again uneventful.  Just waiting around.  The epidural made this process SO MUCH BETTER than I imagine it would have been.  The only draw back was that poor little Lana's heart rate kept dropping.  So, I spent almost 6 hours with an oxygen mask over my face.  This made talking uncomfortable and didn't make for great pics either.

Once my water broke, there was meconium present in the waters.  Although very common, this can still lead to complications following her birth.  The decision was made to call the Neonatologist so that he would be in the room at her birth just in case.  Knowing this was comforting and terrifying all at the same time.  

The nurse checked my progress around 9:00 p.m and I was a 7 cm dilated.  Based on this, she estimated we would deliver sometime after midnight.  However, within the hour, I began to feel alot of pressure.  When she checked again, I was already at 9 cm dilated.  It was time to call the doc. This is when things got serious.

I can't explain it, but I suddenly became overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.  Knowing that I was about to have to 'push' this baby out frightened me.  I became convinced I would "mess it up."  I got very emotional and quiet.  It was like the totality of the situation hit me all at once.  Yes, child birth happens every day.  But it is a major medical event.  And I was most definitely getting stage fright.

Then the moment came, it was time to start pushing.

First of all, let me just say that I could really have done without the spotlights.  Aren't the big-momma stirrups bad enough?  Do you really have to hit me with Broadway-style lights?  Uggg.  Not at all a fan.

So, there I was, laid out for all the world to see (really, just the L&D team, my husband, mother, and sister, but it felt like an extremely large audience).  And it was go time.

I started pushing.  It was hard.  Like really hard.  Mostly, I found that I couldn't hold my breath for the full 10 seconds of pushing without getting super light headed.  After the second or third push, Laura exclaimed "I see her head!!!  I see her head!  Oh my God, she has so much hair!  It's beautiful"  This was a major turn around because prior to this time, Laura had sworn she wasn't going to look.  Now, she rattles on and on about how beautiful it all was.  I didn't get the mirror to see, but I'm fairly certain that it wasn't all that "beautiful" aesthetically.  But Aunt Lala is so smitten with her niece that she won't let that sway her now  :)

Problem was, Lana was not responding so well to the pushing.  The nurse got concerned because her heart rate starting dropping super low after each push.  I started to get panicked.  I wasn't doing it right.  Exactly what I was afraid of.

There was discussion.  There was concern.  The suggestion that a C-section might be necessary came up.  I pushed again, and it didn't get better.  The nurse was so concerned that she had me quit pushing.  Unfortunately, my body wasn't having it.  I felt like I had to push by that point. 

The Doc walked in and there was more discussion.  He thought Lana was likely wrapped in her cord.  The decision was made that we would try pushing once more, but only after he did a little repositioning of the baby.  Very awkward to say the least.  He was literally turning her while she was still inside of me.  Yuck.  Again, thank God for the epidural.  Moving on.

This was it.  If after this push Lana's heart rate dropped again, it was off to the operating room we would go.  I was so scared and worried about my little girl.   I didn't want to have a C-section, but I wanted to do what was best for her.  It was intense.  Tom just kept whispering that he loved me and that everything would be ok.  I chose to believe him rather than entertain any other possible outcome.

Thank the Lord...whatever the Doc did, it worked.  Lana responded much better to the next push.  And within 2 or three more she was out.  Out and screaming.  The most beautiful sound in the world to scared new mommy.

The rest is a blur.  I remember laughter and tears, lots of tears, from everyone.  Tom, mom, and Laura were all happy-crying and gathered around the baby.  I was straining to see her and feeling so overcome with emotion and love.  I hadn't even held her yet but already felt my entire world shift.  And finally they brought her to me.  The 7 pound 10 ounce miracle that I had dreamed of was there pressed against my chest.  She was healthy.  She was so beautiful.  She was perfect.

I was finally a mommy. 

A New Beginning...

I started blogging a couple years ago about my struggle with infertility.  At the time, I indeed felt "Fruitless."  However, this is no longer the case.

At 11:29 tonight our baby girl will be two weeks old.  Her birth was truly a new beginning for our family and me in particular.  She has already brought me more joy than I felt in the first 32 years of my life put together.  No, I no longer feel fruitless.  I feel extremely fruitfull.  And fortunate. 

So, from now on I will be blogging under this address so as to reflect the major change that has happened in my life.  Most importantly, I intend to be open and honest (sometimes disturbingly so) about the highs and lows I am sure to face as a new mommy.

As always, thanks to all my friends out there for your support.  Lately I am feeling like the luckiest girl in the whole wide world.  :)